Wednesday, September 27, 2017

How to Remove a Glass Sliver From Your Finger in 12 Easy Steps

Once upon a time, my son dropped a glass jar of peanut butter on the tile floor.  Needless to say, the jar didn't survive the fall and immediately broke into approximately 5,328 pieces.  I happened to be in the kitchen with my son at the time, both of us with bare feet.

I immediately yelled, "FREEZE", for fear that my son would take a step and inadvertently impale his tender, young foot with a shard of glass.

I then yelled, "SHOES", so that my husband, who was in the other room, could toss me some footwear so I could maneuver my way around the hazardous mess.

Have you ever cleaned up a major peanut butter spill speckled with glass?  No?  Well, let me tell you.  It's no picnic.

I looked at this globby mess studded with glass and wondered about the best approach.

Broom?  No.

Hose?  No.

I carefully picked up the larger pieces of glass and then started blankly at the remaining disaster.  What earthly tool is made for this kind of madness?! What could I use to collect glass and simultaneously wipe this greasy mess off the floor?

If you're thinking paper towels....we're on the same page.

But I also have to tell you, (spoiler alert!) it was a bad choice.

I grabbed a few paper towels, wiped them across the floor (carefully....) and immediately got a piece of glass embedded in my finger.

Blood.  Pain.  Glass now inside my finger.  And still the peanut butter mess.

So, clearly I'm no help when it comes to cleaning up broken glass.  But if you happen to get glass in your finger, I'm now an expert and getting it out.  So, here it is.  My fool-proof method for removing a glass sliver from your finger.

1.  Squeeze finger hoping glass sliver will come squirting out.

2.  Visit urgent care, let them poke around your finger to pull out the glass, while trying to stay composed in front of your young daughter.

3.  Wait two days and realize, on account of the significant pain, there is still glass in your finger.

4.  Google home remedies for extracting/removing slivers.

5.  Soak finger daily in warm water.  Because that's supposed to do something.

6.  Buy some old fashioned drawing salve (it's a thing...look it up) and use that for a week or two in a desperate attempt to get the glass to come to the surface so you can pluck it out.

7.  Muster your courage, and return to urgent care for excavation, phase II.

8.  Urgent care refers you to Orthopedic specialist (Specialist? For a SLIVER?!) who is apparently "the guy" for removing foreign bodies.

9.  Orthopedic specialist takes x-rays (X-Rays?!) of your hand to get a good look at this piece of mason jar inside your finger.

10.  Orthopedic specialist takes one look at the X-Ray and refers you to Hand Surgeon for extraction. 

11.  Visit Hand Surgeon, have him slice open your finger to remove the ridiculously tiny piece of glass.  Three stitches later, you're home free.

12.  Write an informational (and slightly whiny) blog so you can properly document the life of The Sliver.

Alternate, 1-step method:

1.  Don't be an idiot when you clean up broken glass.

The end.