My firstborn is turning 13 this week. Seems hard to believe. Wasn't it just yesterday we were struggling through the sleepless nights?
As a parent, 13 seems like the top of the incline on the parenting rollercoaster. For years, we change diapers, wipe noses, agonize about the timing of their first steps, how fast they are reading or if they are memorizing math facts on schedule with their peers. And then the teen years hit and the days that seemed to stretch on to infinity suddenly seem finite. The mad dash to the finish line is in sight.
Not that we ever "finish" as parents. Because we don't. That role is ours for life.
But at age 13, there are just a handful of years before it's legally acceptable for your kids to leave the house. Even fewer until they are able to drive and your ability to control their every movement is severely crippled.
At 13, the personality that has been percolating for years starts to take clearer shape. Their thoughts, ideas and opinions are no longer a regurgitation of your own. Of course, if you've got kids like mine....they've always been free thinkers. This daughter of mine was demanding specific diaper colors before she even had words and refused to wear pants for the first 7 years of her life. But at this stage of the game, they gain more confidence in their own place in the world. They learn how to verbalize who they are, even when that reality is different than your vision of who they are or what they might become.
The truth of the parenting experience hits home in a more acute way during the teen years. It's all a process of letting go.
When kids are little, most of the letting go is joyous and welcome. The budding independence of young children is a relief for exhausted parents. Learning to hold a spoon and feed yourself? Great! No more diapers? Thank you, sweet baby Jesus!! Figured out how to tie your shoes? Fantastic!
During the teen years, we let go of other, more complicated things. They no longer rely on us to meet every need or solve every problem. The realization settles in that these precious humans that we created are actually not ours to hold onto forever, but ours to launch out into the world.
I mean, that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? A successful launch?
In our house we still talk about living together forever. The plan is to build a second story onto the house where Thomas can live with his kids and Clara and I can live downstairs (because she has no plans for children of her own, but looks forward to being an auntie for all the kids she assumes Thomas will have). I'm not exactly sure how Thomas' wife will feel about this arrangement. I'm fairly certain the whole plan will lose its appeal in a few years (or maybe sooner....).
As we move into the teen years I'm thankful she still hugs me voluntarily and calls me mommy. I love her kind and generous heart. I admire her ability to push forward when challenges arise, and to push back when she encounters injustice in the world. She's quiet and reserved in social settings and completely ridiculous at home with her family or close friends. She is thoughtful and smart with a splash of sassy.
Bringing her into this world was the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever done. (Her birth story is a post for another day...) I hear a lot of parents say that they yearn for the old days when their kids were small. It always kind of baffles me, to be honest. Those days were HARD, my friends. Sure, the kids were cute. But I have no desire to go back to diapers, midnight feedings or toddler tantrums. There was a time and place for doing everything for her, and those days are over. This is the time to hold on and scream as the parenting roller coaster goes barreling downhill into the teenage years. I'm not quite sure if it will be thrilling or terrifying...could really go either way.
Regardless of how the teen years go, there's no turning back. The joy of this season is less about marveling at her chubby cheeks or first steps, and more about watching this beautiful young person grow into her own skin and claim her place in the world. It's about growing into a fresh season of parenting that is no less beautiful, but challenging and rewarding in new and different ways. It's as much her evolution as it is mine. Looking forward to the ride. 💙
